humor Quotes

As far as I can tell, the only unambiguous consequence of the claimed invasion of Earth by beings from another star system has been a nonstop torrent of TV specials. So if you're one of the many who believe the aliens are here, you really do have to admit this: They're the best houseguests ever.

Some pundits have proposed that the aliens have come here to breed with us. Apparently, too much bike riding or something similar has rendered them incapable of reproducing within their own species. But do extraterrestrial infants toddle through your neighborhood?

I never wanted to weigh more heavily on a man than a bird.

Because I have work to care about, it is possible that I may be less difficult to get along with than other women when the double chins start to form.

I always wanted to put a sign up on the road to Yale saying, 'Beware: Deconstruction Ahead.'

A bad facelift is like a bad toupee.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.

I'm half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I'd be in a hell of a mess!

I don't watch 'American Idol,' but I wouldn't call it 'undignified.'

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that's a joke.