humor Quotes

Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.

'No comment' is a splendid expression. I am using it again and again.

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

The British nation is unique in this respect. They are the only people who like to be told how bad things are, who like to be told the worst.

Baldwin thought Europe was a bore, and Chamberlain thought it was only a greater Birmingham.

If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.